Category: Watch

James Bond: Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

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James reckons he’s killed Blofeld, and to be frank, he gets quite cocky about the whole thing, pissing M right off. He gets sent off to investigate a diamond smuggling operation, much to his disgust. Things perk up a little when he thinks he’s going to South Africa, but he ends up in Amsterdam instead – in your fashe Mishter Bond.


Everyone who’s touched the diamonds seems to end up dead – maybe they have some kind of poison on them? Oh, no. That’ll be the two possibly-gay probably-retards following them around. They’ve even knocked off the kindly diamond smuggling nana!

Of course, Blofeld isn’t actually dead. He’s just got a bunch of doubles hanging around. Bond cleverly/meanly kicks Blofeld’s cat so he boots it off to his real owner, but easy-B has cloned his cat as well, and James just kills the clone. I would dispute the accuracy of this – if you kick my cat, he’s not going to be running in any specific direction. He might not run at all if you have any food in your hands.

The plot gets a little confusing at some point and it’s very early in the morning and I can’t remember the order things happen in. Bond definitely stumbles across what appeared to be the faking of the moon landing, steals their moon buggy and had the slowest chase in history across the desert.

He heads off to set free the billionaire, who’s life Blofeld has confusingly managed to take over, and gets into a fight with the billionaire’s bikini clad bodyguards. Strange that they’ve made no effort to free their employer from the small apartment downstairs, where he is being stored. Presumably, they’ve been too busy backflipping around the sitting room.

It all ends as you’d expect, with Blofeld in a tiny submarine being smashed repeatedly against a wall by Bond in a crane. No mention is made of his dead wife, and Bond takes a cruise back to Blighty with Jill St. John in tow. How she avoided going to prison for her role in the whole diamond operation remains a mystery.

Better than the last film, not as good as that one in Japan.
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James Bond: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

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I had a feeling this would be bad from the moment I saw the poster. Why is 007 standing like that while skiing? Is the girl behind him meant to be Dame Diana Rigg? Why is her hair red?
 
I thought that Irma Bunt (the German baddy lady) was in fact Rosa Klebb (the Russian baddy lady in From Russia with Love) for the duration. She was my favourite character in both films I think. Blofeld seemed to have cut off his earlobes in an attempt to be a c(o)unt, and although I admired his tenacity, it didn’t endear him to me.
 
This film saw James meet and fall in love with the daughter of a crime lord count, pretend to be the genealogist Sir Hilary Bray, and head to Blofeld’s winter retreat in the mountains, where he’s curing allergies.
 
At the clinic, Bond finds himself in the company of a group of girls who have overcome their dislike of what appears to be the national dishes of their countries, in a fine piece of racial profiling by the makers: the Chinese girl had issues with rice, the Indian girl with chapattis, the Irish girl with potatoes.
 
Despite being in love with Tracy (as all classy contessas are called), Bond still found time to shag at least two of the allergy sufferers – apparently they weren’t allergic to a little lovin’.
 
Two interminable hours later, Bond had saved the day, quit his job and was marrying Our Trace. Moneypenny looked on with tears in her eyes. Poor Moneypenny; always the bridesmaid, never the bride. It’s alright though – Our Trace promptly dies, the franchise can continue… back to Sean Connery sadly.

Sydney White (2007)

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Finally, I’ve found a film that my boyfriend refused to watch!

The story is loosely modelled on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. A more detailed explanation is that Sydney goes to uni (or college, as she probably calls it) and tries to join the sorority that her dead mum was in. Sadly, her dead mum’s sorority are a right bunch of bitches (maybe they were nice in her mum’s day), so she ends up having to stay with seven weirdos who live nearby.

The bitch sorority and the fraternity which is a bit linked with them decide to try and knock down the house of the weirdos to make way for a country club or something, and it’s up to Syds to save the day.

I love Amanda Bynes. I’m not sure why exactly; maybe just that she played my favourite character in Hairspray. She seems to be having some kind of LiLo style breakdown at the moment though, with a string of driving offences, and now a massive cheek piercing. Oh, and she’s given up acting and moved to New York.

I find the concept of Sororities quite confusing. Are they all as horrible as they seem in films? Is it important to have one bitch sorority to keep the horrible girls out of the others? Deep, deep confusion. There were other questions, but I’ve forgotten them.

This is not a good film. It’s really not. However, it’s a very watchable way to pass a Sunday afternoon.

James Bond: You Only Live Twice (1967)

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Finally! After this film we get a mini-break from Sean Connery’s reign of terror!

This time 007 heads off to Japan and feels a bit tall and silly, I imagine. On the plus side, he gets to hang out with the Japanese secret service’s special ninja force, which must have been pretty cool.

He’s not just there to have fun though, oh no! He’s there to investigate some spacejackings before the US and the USSR get themselves so worked up they nuke each other.

Directed by Roald Dahl, Bond gets killed off, becomes Japanese and gets married. But then it’s down to work and time to get all up inside Blofeld’s volcano.

While I’m getting a little tired of S.P.E.C.T.R.E, I think this is the best Bond yet. Setting it in Japan gave it quite a fresh and interesting feel.

Total Recall (1990)

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“Get your ass to Mars”

“No, you get your bloody arse to Mars, Arnie” 
Much better than I was expecting. And I was expecting this to be awful. I don’t like 90s movies very much. I almost always find them quite shit. However, this was good. Except for the special effects. 
It’s funny to look at the 90s idea of 2084. It’s really old fashioned. I hope it doesn’t turn out to be like that, and I hope they don’t make us start using those crap phones they all have. 
I’ll have to watch the new version of this at some point, just to get an idea of what we think the future will be like nowadays. However, after some investigation it seems that they don’t go to Mars. Could this be true? Where on earth am I supposed to be getting my arse to, if not there?