James Bond: Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

James reckons he’s killed Blofeld, and to be frank, he gets quite cocky about the whole thing, pissing M right off. He gets sent off to investigate a diamond smuggling operation, much to his disgust. Things perk up a little when he thinks he’s going to South Africa, but he ends up in Amsterdam instead – in your fashe Mishter Bond.


Everyone who’s touched the diamonds seems to end up dead – maybe they have some kind of poison on them? Oh, no. That’ll be the two possibly-gay probably-retards following them around. They’ve even knocked off the kindly diamond smuggling nana!

Of course, Blofeld isn’t actually dead. He’s just got a bunch of doubles hanging around. Bond cleverly/meanly kicks Blofeld’s cat so he boots it off to his real owner, but easy-B has cloned his cat as well, and James just kills the clone. I would dispute the accuracy of this – if you kick my cat, he’s not going to be running in any specific direction. He might not run at all if you have any food in your hands.

The plot gets a little confusing at some point and it’s very early in the morning and I can’t remember the order things happen in. Bond definitely stumbles across what appeared to be the faking of the moon landing, steals their moon buggy and had the slowest chase in history across the desert.

He heads off to set free the billionaire, who’s life Blofeld has confusingly managed to take over, and gets into a fight with the billionaire’s bikini clad bodyguards. Strange that they’ve made no effort to free their employer from the small apartment downstairs, where he is being stored. Presumably, they’ve been too busy backflipping around the sitting room.

It all ends as you’d expect, with Blofeld in a tiny submarine being smashed repeatedly against a wall by Bond in a crane. No mention is made of his dead wife, and Bond takes a cruise back to Blighty with Jill St. John in tow. How she avoided going to prison for her role in the whole diamond operation remains a mystery.

Better than the last film, not as good as that one in Japan.
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