James Bond: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

I had a feeling this would be bad from the moment I saw the poster. Why is 007 standing like that while skiing? Is the girl behind him meant to be Dame Diana Rigg? Why is her hair red?
I thought that Irma Bunt (the German baddy lady) was in fact Rosa Klebb (the Russian baddy lady in From Russia with Love) for the duration. She was my favourite character in both films I think. Blofeld seemed to have cut off his earlobes in an attempt to be a c(o)unt, and although I admired his tenacity, it didn’t endear him to me.
This film saw James meet and fall in love with the daughter of a crime lord count, pretend to be the genealogist Sir Hilary Bray, and head to Blofeld’s winter retreat in the mountains, where he’s curing allergies.
At the clinic, Bond finds himself in the company of a group of girls who have overcome their dislike of what appears to be the national dishes of their countries, in a fine piece of racial profiling by the makers: the Chinese girl had issues with rice, the Indian girl with chapattis, the Irish girl with potatoes.
Despite being in love with Tracy (as all classy contessas are called), Bond still found time to shag at least two of the allergy sufferers – apparently they weren’t allergic to a little lovin’.
Two interminable hours later, Bond had saved the day, quit his job and was marrying Our Trace. Moneypenny looked on with tears in her eyes. Poor Moneypenny; always the bridesmaid, never the bride. It’s alright though – Our Trace promptly dies, the franchise can continue… back to Sean Connery sadly.

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